***

Every night.

It always begins with my promise.

I always look at you, while promising I’ll protect her.

 

Every night you look at me and there is something in your eyes: acceptance, trust.

No barriers.

You and me, and the promise.

My promise.

 

Every night I hear Willow’s voice in my head, urging me to get to atop the tower.

Every night I run, eating up the distance between Dawn and I.

And I see her. Bound, scared, helpless.

And I see him. Old, older than time, with a heart of darkness and ice in his eyes.

 

Every night I know how to move…and I don’t feel a knife piercing my back

And I don’t feel shattering looking at Dawn.

I don’t fail.

 

Even when he dusts me, I don’t  fail.

Even when my body hits the hard pavement and I feel my bones cracking and blood fills my mouth I don’t fail.

Because I drag him with me.

 

And she is free.

And I see you holding her while we go away.

 

Every night the earth doesn’t shatter below me, and there isn’t a blinding white light.

And your body doesn’t fall from the sky.

And your eyes are not closed.

And your heart beats... I can hear it.

I can hear it so clearly.

 

Every night I move faster, I think more, I am more.

More than what I was.

More than a failure.

 

Every night I do something different and I don’t hear your last words.

You don’t tell us to be strong.

You don’t tell us to take care of each other.

You don’t tell us to be brave.

 

You are there.

Your heart, my heart… whole.

Your blood in your body.

Your hands graze Dawn’s hair.

 

Every night I can hold you, for a second.

I can smile without fearing to crumble down.

Every night I can look at you.

And I don’t care you’ll never love me, because you are there.

And everything is perfect

 

Every night, for a little while I can indulge in your beauty, in your strength.

Every night I have myself  a one…good…day.

 

Because every night, every single night…I save you.

It’s my hell, my torment, my punishment

And I lose myself in it .